People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Still cracks me up
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
This rocks
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware