People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.