Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

dam girl

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

That’s not how days work.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby