People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
good work, detective
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.