“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
