“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
no cat here
Meanwhile in Canada…
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.