“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Whoops
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.