Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!