People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast