People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Smile they said.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.