People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You Might Also Like
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks