people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Well, this is awkward
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
