people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
it be like that
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭