People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
