People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
