People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans