Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.