Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1185239998741635073/pu/vid/720x1280/NlkugJ3vOTRzcply.mp4?tag=10

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.