People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!ππ€£ππ π€£ππ€πππ€£π π€£ππ π₯²π€£ππ π€ππ₯²π€£π€£πππππ
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
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I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someoneβs couch for a while?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. Itβs a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my officeβ¦all the places I most often frequent. βThis is not for you,β says my cat.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said thereβs a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacierβs name is Humboldt.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Ladies, if heβs never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHeβs not your man, heβs tacos
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any βplay pretendβ outfits so I put on workout clothes.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book βWhat to Expect When Youβre Expecting,β itβs a baby. Youβre expecting a baby.
Day 14 of being Everyoneβs Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
One time I saw a bikerβs funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} ITβS ITβS- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Iβm so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Thereβs nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you donβt like them.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
First date β Iβll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date β Iβll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Dogs are like babies, you canβt actually tell people theirs is ugly.
How to make-out β
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Donβt mention the budget deficit or your father
βDoes my uniform make me look fat?β,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guardβ¦β¦β¦.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume itβs because I look authoritative not because I look like Iβm wearing a mask.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit