Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Body by sandwich.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Have kids, they said

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Oh the world we live in…

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.