Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”