People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!ππ€£ππ π€£ππ€πππ€£π π€£ππ π₯²π€£ππ π€ππ₯²π€£π€£πππππ
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Being a civilian in a city of superheroβs must be so long π
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, thatβs a lot of cat gifs.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Am I unemployed β¦ or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Again this year, Iβm giving up Hersheyβs chocolates for Lindtβ¦
Iβm piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonaldβsβ
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALDβS WI-FI???
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Frigginβ narcs ruin everything
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
