Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose