People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃ぃ馃檴馃き馃槀馃槀馃ぃ馃槄馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃ゲ馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃き馃檴馃ゲ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槀馃憦馃憦馃憦馃憦
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE鈥橲 SOME ADS FIRST
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn鈥檛 plan your story very well.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Wait for it
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
guys i’ve cracked the code
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 馃幎I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i鈥檓 not talking about you barbara you鈥檙e super cool.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let鈥檚 take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese鈥檚 for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
