People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
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i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators