Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

smh

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.