Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Saint West, the patron of selfies

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.