Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

Good morning!