Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Livid.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters