people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.