People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
No one can handle that
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
