People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder