People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
You Might Also Like
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
giddy up Office Depot
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
never forget
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?