People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
me, too, girl. me, too.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Not messing around
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing