People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
fly smarter, not harder
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.