People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper