Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.