Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”