people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
me and my fake scenarios
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Mike is short for Micycle
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
🎵 I can’t wait to
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked