Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

I think I’m having a stroke

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.