Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”