Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

the duality of man

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

💀💀💀💀

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.