Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

New comic up. “Ransom”

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge