Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.