Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Lube but for my dry humor.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists