People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.