me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Florida man
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse