Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

me when i smell free food in the break room

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth