People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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Me: Same
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO