Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.