People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
oh she’s cooked
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?