People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Happy weekend !
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings