Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have one speed and it’s mosey

starting a garage orchestra

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Holy moly

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’