Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”