People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My safe word is Worcestershire
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.