People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
January has been Januweary
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.