People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare