Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine