People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.