People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
the simulation is moving too fast
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.