People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.