People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!