Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

“A little help here, Danny?”

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.