Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?