People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
You Might Also Like
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.