People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.