Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

#Caturday

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.