People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?