Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.