Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quadruple digit IQ

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

A double negative is a big no-no.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.