Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

My flabber has been gasted.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese