People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
felt that
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
when you don’t want to be too vague
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?