People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
my astrological sign is a french fry