People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
