People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.