People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Try and stop me.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth