Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

thank god the sign was there

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

All right then, keep your secrets

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”