Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Had a spot of bother earlier.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.