People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
the battle rages on
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok