People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
i meant to share this earlier
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata