Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?